Season 7, Episode 9: Breastfeeding and Infant Sleep with Arnikka de Kort
This week, Monique welcomes Arnikka de Kort to the podcast to chat about breastfeeding and infant sleep.
Arnikka is an International Board-Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC), Neonatal Nurse and Founder of SuckleBubs - a space that reimagines how women and babies are supported in the early weeks of newborn life. She is also the creator of In Bloom - a postpartum and breastfeeding mentorship program guiding mothers through their transition to motherhood, from pregnancy and into postpartum. Drawing from her clinical and lived experience as a neurodivergent mother, Arnikka blends her clinical skills with a deeply attuned and compassionate approach to the care of mothers and babies.
This ep is packed with knowledge gems direct from Arnikka’s brain, so flick it on to anyone you know who is pregnant or postpartum, neurodivergent or not!
Monique and Arnika cover:
What is an IBCLC?
What neurodivergence means to Arnikka and her personal journey to discovering her own neurodivergence and the self-acceptance that came with that.
Arnikka’s personal experience as a neurodivergent mother with birth and breastfeeding.
The variability in infant sleep needs.
The interrelationship between infant sleep, feeding, and baby’s sensory needs.
Some of the key challenges parents face in their infant feeding journey, including those specific to neurodivergent mothers.
Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER).
Arnikka’s tips for parents experiencing infant feeding challenges.
Tips for problem-solving issues with infant sleep and supporting infant circadian development.
Elements of pregnancy, birth, and infant care that can be particularly challenging for neurodivergent mothers and tips to manage these.
[00:02:32] What is an IBCLC?
Key Takeaways:
IBCLCs or International Board Certified Lactation Consultants are breastfeeding and lactation specialists who undergo a rigorous process to become accredited.
Arnikka’s pathway included over 1000 clinical hours of direct breastfeeding support, at least 95 hours of lactation-specific education, a health sciences degree, and a four-hour exam.
Many healthcare professionals, including doctors and nurses, receive minimal training in breastfeeding—often as little as two hours during medical school.
Breastfeeding medicine is a growing but still niche specialty, which means IBCLCs fill an important gap in care.
The role extends beyond breastfeeding itself to include all aspects of infant feeding and nurturing the relational experience between mother and baby.
[00:04:50] What neurodivergence means to Arnikka and her personal journey to discovering her own neurodivergence and the self-acceptance that came with that.
Key Takeaways:
Neurodivergence, for Arnikka, means giving herself permission to be exactly who she is without shame. It’s allowed her to meet her internal world with curiosity and compassion rather than judgement.
Before discovering she was neurodivergent, she spent years masking—suppressing her natural tendencies to fit social expectations—which left her exhausted and disconnected from herself.
She first began to question her mental health after the birth of her second child, initially assuming she had postnatal depression. Like many women, she hadn’t even encountered the term ‘neurodivergent’ until later in motherhood.
With the support of a neurodivergent-affirming psychologist, Arnikka began recognising lifelong traits—like taking things literally, missing jokes or phrases, blurting things out, and being deeply upset by the thought of hurting others—and eventually came to see her neurodivergence not as a deficit, but as the key to fully accepting herself.
The discovery process was both painful and liberating, involving grief, unlearning stigma, and slowly building self-compassion. Being nurtured through a neurodivergent-affirming lens gave her the language and framework to truly understand and embrace who she is.
“Knowing that newborns don’t actually secrete any melatonin is a helpful thing to learn. So the circadian rhythm is completely immature at birth, and really babies don’t start producing their own melatonin until they’re around three or four months of age.”
[00:16:32] Arnikka’s personal experience as a neurodivergent mother with birth and breastfeeding.
Key Takeaways:
Arnikka didn’t know she was neurodivergent at the time of her births, but looking back, it helped her process just how overwhelming the sensory and emotional aspects of the experience were—especially during her first birth via cesarean.
Despite her extensive professional experience as a neonatal nurse, the early postpartum period was far more difficult than she expected, which deepened her understanding of just how variable babies' sleep, feeding, and sensory needs can be.
Birth interventions can affect newborn alertness and feeding behaviours, often making it harder to initiate breastfeeding. Arnikka experienced nipple damage, severe engorgement, and delayed pain management due to providers misunderstanding her needs.
Her second birth, a vaginal delivery supported by an emotionally attuned midwife, was a healing experience. She experienced a difference in her second child’s ease of latching, which affirmed the impact of a supported, informed birth environment.
Arnikka encourages parents to advocate for early skin-to-skin contact after cesarean births and to prepare for the possibility of sleepy babies by learning hand expressing. This empowers families to maintain breastfeeding even when babies need extra time to adjust after birth.
[00:26:10] The variability in infant sleep needs.
Key Takeaways:
Infant sleep needs vary dramatically—some babies need as little as 9.3 hours in 24 hours by eight weeks of age, while others need up to 20. The dominant advice around strict wake windows doesn’t account for this natural variability and can create unnecessary stress for parents.
Modern sleep advice often stems from outdated behaviourist models that ignore infant neurodevelopment and feeding needs. Babies are biologically primed to wake frequently for feeding, co-regulation, and safety, especially in the first three months when 50% of their sleep is light REM sleep.
Feeding and sleep are inseparable. Attempting to enforce rigid sleep schedules without considering feeding quality, weight gain, or health issues like ENT obstructions can negatively impact the well-being of both baby and parent.
Babies experience the world through their senses and often signal sensory needs rather than tiredness. Some babies need more stimulation—like going outdoors or engaging with gentle sensory play—while others may feed better in calm, quiet environments.
Meeting babies’ sensory needs during the day supports better regulation at night. Overemphasis on sensory deprivation (dark rooms, white noise) may backfire if babies are not actually tired. Tuning into their cues and offering responsive care helps foster both infant mental health and maternal well-being.
[00:41:04] The interrelationship between infant sleep, feeding, and baby’s sensory needs.
Key Takeaways:
Attunement means understanding and supporting a baby’s unique nervous system rather than trying to override or suppress it. Sensitive babies may go from calm to distressed very quickly, and recognising this helps caregivers respond with more compassion and calm.
Some babies are born with more reactive nervous systems and experience the world—both internally and externally—with heightened sensitivity. Gentle, consistent presence, skin-to-skin contact, and co-regulation can help widen their window of tolerance over time.
Babies' early cues can be subtle or sudden, and each day brings different patterns. Being curious rather than rigid allows parents to experiment, learn what soothes their baby, and adapt without self-blame.
Physical closeness—such as babywearing, firm body contact, and softly speaking—can offer familiar sensory grounding for a newborn who’s adjusting from the womb to a loud, spacious world.
The mother’s nervous system is also highly sensitive during the early postpartum period. Understanding matrescence, sensory overwhelm, and hypervigilance helps parents protect their own well-being while staying attuned to their baby’s needs.
[00:47:10] Some of the key challenges parents face in their infant feeding journey, including those specific to neurodivergent mothers.
Key takeaways:
Many parents are unprepared for the demands of feeding a newborn, especially the frequency, often 8-12 times in 24 hours, and the emotional and physical labour that comes with it. The emphasis on birth preparation often leaves feeding and postpartum care under-discussed and unsupported.
The lack of communal knowledge and visibility around infant feeding stems from historical shifts: once a shared, observed practice among women, feeding became hidden and medicalised, eroding ancestral wisdom and leaving today’s mothers isolated and undervalued.
Challenges like nipple pain, lack of access to help, and emotional overwhelm are common, but the deeper issue is the absence of nurturing support and education at a time when parents are most vulnerable and least resourced to absorb new information.
Neurodivergent mothers often experience heightened sensitivity and may be more affected by sensory environments, hospital overwhelm, or difficulties recognising and advocating for their needs, especially if undiagnosed.
Creating inclusive support means asking open questions, offering detailed and written resources, and validating diverse needs and communication styles, particularly in clinical care where neurodivergence may be unrecognised or misunderstood.
[00:57:34] Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER)
Key takeaways:
Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex (D-MER) is a condition where a sudden wave of negative emotion—often described as intense dread—occurs just before or during the milk ejection reflex, then fades within minutes.
The underlying mechanism is believed to involve a sharp drop in dopamine due to an inverse response (compared to what is typical) in the dopamine–prolactin feedback loop, which is triggered during milk ejection.
Though not widely understood or researched, D-MER is increasingly being mentioned by neurodivergent mothers, prompting some clinicians to screen for ADHD or other forms of neurodivergence when it arises.
Arnikka notes that seeking support from a breastfeeding medicine doctor who understands D-MER and neurodivergence may help uncover whether there’s a connection and what support options are available.
A book titled Before The Letdown: Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex and the Breastfeeding Mother (2017) by a lactation consultant offers further insight into the condition.
[01:01:19] Arnikka’s tips for parents experiencing infant feeding challenges.
Key takeaways:
Accessing good support during breastfeeding isn’t always possible in the moment you need it most, and that can lead to grief or self-doubt, but self-compassion is essential throughout the journey.
Mothers are constantly learning and adapting, and it’s normal to look back and wish you'd known something sooner. That doesn’t mean you failed—it means you're growing. You did the best with the information you had at the time.
Feeding is not just about nutrition; it’s a relationship. Whether you're mixed feeding, weaning, or navigating return to work, those stages deserve support just as much as the beginning does.
If you're struggling, reaching out to an IBCLC can make a meaningful difference. They can offer practical help and emotional reassurance tailored to your situation.
Even if you're no longer breastfeeding, debriefing the experience with someone supportive can help process any lingering emotions and build confidence for the future.
[01:04:01] Tips for problem-solving issues with infant sleep and supporting infant circadian development.
Key takeaways:
Neurodivergent parents often have unique sleep patterns (e.g. struggling to fall asleep, waking unrefreshed, or staying up late) and understanding their own sleep profile can help shape more realistic, supportive routines with their baby.
One of the biggest challenges with infant sleep is distinguishing between true disruptions and normal neurodevelopmental patterns. Keeping a short log for a few days can help clarify sleep needs and highlight helpful adjustments.
Babies are born without a mature circadian rhythm and don’t begin producing melatonin until around 3–4 months of age. Until then, environmental cues—like light during the day and consistency in wake times—are crucial for supporting circadian development.
Prolonged daytime sleep in dark, quiet environments may unintentionally delay circadian development. Supporting day–night differentiation through natural light and daily activity helps babies regulate their internal clocks.
Parents are often overloaded with conflicting advice. Unfollowing accounts that create doubt or pressure can protect your intuition. Be kind to yourself—everyone is learning on the job, and doing your best with the knowledge you have is always enough.
[01:13:44] Elements of pregnancy, birth, and infant care that can be particularly challenging for neurodivergent mothers and tips to manage these.
Key takeaways:
Neurodivergent mothers often benefit from clear, detailed education about postpartum changes—like milk coming in, healing, and sensory shifts—but this information is rarely offered proactively or in a way that suits their learning style.
Sensory changes in pregnancy and postpartum can be intense. Identifying your sensory preferences early and planning accommodations (e.g. dim lighting, earplugs, sensory tools) can support regulation when you're also caring for a baby’s needs.
Memory overwhelm and executive dysfunction are common. Keeping a notebook of questions for appointments, using apps like Google Keep for shared lists, and creating go-to checklists (nappy bag, outings, groceries) can help reduce the cognitive load.
Setting boundaries around visitors and advocating for rest is crucial. Strategies like a fridge list of helpful tasks, a partner-led announcement, or a meal train can help protect recovery time without added social pressure.
Simple, repeatable systems—like setting up feeding stations with essentials or rotating rest kits—can ease daily logistics and support self-care during a time when demands are high and bandwidth is low.
Connect with Arnikka de Kort:
Connect with Arnikka through her website, Suckle Bubs, or on Instagram @sucklebubs.
Things We Mentioned:
Book: Before the Letdown: Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex and the Breastfeeding Mother by Alia Macrina Heise
The NDC institute – free resources and a practitioner directory.
Book: Motherkind by Zoe Blaskey
Book: Mama Rising by Amy Taylor-Kabbaz
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