Season 7, Episode 10: Domestic and Family Violence with Patricia Gallagher
This week, we’re speaking to Patricia Gallagher about domestic and family violence. Patricia is a neuro-affirming registered psychologist, EMDR Accredited Practitioner with EMDRAA, and a Board Approved Supervisor, with over 16 years of experience across diverse settings. She currently works with clients from her private practice, Gallagher Psychology, based in Melbourne.
Patricia’s niche is in working with women affected by domestic violence, family violence, and childhood trauma; supporting them to heal and rise above the ashes of shame and trauma. In addition to her clinical work, Patricia is a sought-after trainer, supervisor, and speaker in the fields of trauma and family violence.
🎧 NOTE: In this week’s episode, we’ll be discussing family violence and domestic abuse. These are important conversations, but they can also be distressing or triggering for some listeners. If this episode feels too difficult to listen to right now, please take care of yourself and consider coming back to it when you feel ready, or just skipping it altogether.
And if you or someone you know is currently experiencing domestic abuse, please know that you're not alone and that support is available. We’ve included links and resources below if you need help or someone to talk to.
In this episode, we cover:
What neurodivergence means to Patricia + her experience of being at the early stages of her exploration of her own neurodivergence.
The definition of family and domestic violence, and the different forms of abuse that come under this definition.
What is ‘covert’ abuse.
Understanding the cycle of abuse that commonly occurs, and factors that play into this.
Common traits and emotional experiences of perpetrators.
What is ‘coercive control’.
The factors that increase the likelihood of disabled, neurodivergent, and / or previously traumatised folk being targeted for domestic and family abuse.
Logistical and emotional barriers to leaving situations of domestic abuse.
Patricia’s approach to supporting people’s recovery from domestic and family violence.
The shark cage exercise for building boundaries.
Tips and resources for anyone experiencing domestic or family violence.
[00:02:51] What neurodivergence means to Patricia + her experience of being at the early stages of her exploration of her own neurodivergence
Key Takeaways:
Neurodivergence is a natural variation in brain function and behaviour, much like having a different hair colour. It’s just different, not wrong.
There’s a growing recognition that neurodivergence can be experienced in many different ways, including both as a disability and as a strength, and this nuanced understanding can help remove shame.
Patricia is in the early stages of exploring her own neurodivergence and hasn’t been formally diagnosed but suspects she may be ADHD or AuDHD. She’s approaching the process with curiosity, compassion, and openness.
Hearing others' experiences and working with neurodivergent clients has helped Patricia reflect on traits she now sees in herself, such as procrastination, executive dysfunction, and lifelong patterns in behaviour and experience that suggest neurodivergence.
Patricia has done significant trauma work and is aware of the overlap between complex trauma and neurodivergence. She’s trying to gently discern what’s trauma-related and what may reflect her neurotype, approaching the process with kindness towards her inner child.
[00:10:06] The definition of family and domestic violence, and the different forms of abuse that come under this definition.
Key Takeaways:
Family and domestic violence is any behaviour that is violent, threatening, intimidating or controlling, and typically involves a power imbalance where one person seeks dominance over another.
These behaviours are often intentional and form a pattern over time. A one-off event may not be considered family or domestic violence, but repeated acts with the intent to harm and control absolutely are.
While people often associate domestic violence with physical harm, it also includes psychological, emotional, mental, financial, sexual, and cyber abuse, as well as stalking, surveillance, and social isolation.
Abuse can extend to a deeply spiritual and existential level, where victim survivors lose their sense of agency, identity, and even their connection to self.
Perpetrators often act from a place of low self-worth, using harm and control as a way to boost their ego or gratify their own desires.
“As we often say in this space, there’s an explanation or there are vast explanations — but there are no excuses.”
[00:14:42] What is ‘covert’ abuse
Key Takeaways:
Covert abuse includes a vast array of behaviours and forms of harm that are harder to identify because they often don’t leave visible evidence, but they deeply affect the person’s sense of self and safety. Things like verbal put-downs, silent treatment, guilt-tripping, and victim blaming are examples of covert abuse.
The silent treatment can be an insidious forms of covert abuse, involving total emotional shutdown and withdrawal as a means of control.
Phrases like “You made me do it” are classic examples of psychological manipulation and victim blaming, shifting responsibility for the abuser’s actions onto the victim.
Covert abuse often includes controlling behaviours masked as preferences or suggestions, such as comments about appearance or clothing that erode a person’s agency and self-worth.
What defines abuse is not just a single action, but the intent to control or harm, combined with a consistent pattern of behaviour across time and forms.
[00:17:20] Understanding the cycle of abuse that commonly occurs, and factors that play into this
Key Takeaways:
The cycle of abuse often begins subtly and escalates over time, especially after milestones like moving in together or sharing finances, when the abuser has increased access and control.
This cycle typically includes a buildup phase (tension, put-downs, gaslighting), an explosion phase (verbal, emotional, or physical abuse), and a false remorse phase where the perpetrator offers exaggerated affection or self-deprecating apologies without genuine accountability or change.
Tactics like shifting blame (“You made me do it”) or emotional blackmail (e.g. threats of suicide) serve to keep the victim in the relationship, exploiting guilt and compassion to maintain control.
Children living in abusive environments often develop the same hypervigilance and trauma responses as the primary victim survivor, as they absorb the thick, escalating tension and instability in the home.
Understanding an abuser’s trauma history may explain their behaviour, but it never excuses it. Compassion can coexist with boundaries—no one is responsible for fixing another adult who chooses not to take accountability while continuing to cause harm.
[00:33:16] Common traits and emotional experiences of perpetrators
Key Takeaways:
Many perpetrators of abuse display narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder, projecting deep insecurities and shame onto others to maintain control and boost their own fragile sense of self.
Their behaviour is often driven by a need to overcompensate for feelings of inferiority, using put-downs and control to create a false sense of power, confidence, and self-worth.
Perpetrators frequently present a charming or admirable facade in public, which creates a jarring contrast for victim survivors and contributes to their experiences being dismissed or disbelieved.
This public-private split can trap victims in a “dual-reality,” where the outside world sees a respected figure while the home environment is filled with fear, secrecy, and emotional chaos.
Communities often resist reconciling contradictory information about someone they view positively, defaulting to the more comfortable belief and unintentionally enabling abuse through disbelief or silence.
[00:37:51] What is ‘coercive control’
Key takeaways:
Coercive control involves repeated, covert behaviours designed to dominate and erode a person’s autonomy—things like gaslighting, social isolation, stalking, financial restriction, and restricting access to support or medical care.
These behaviours often escalate slowly, starting with small controlling acts that may seem minor or even caring, but gradually build into significant restrictions on the victim’s agency and identity.
A key marker of coercive control is a growing sense of walking on eggshells, where even minor disagreements lead to emotional outbursts, defensiveness, blame-shifting, or emotional manipulation from the perpetrator.
Attempts to express needs or set boundaries are often met with either aggression or victim-playing tactics like “I can’t do anything right,” which subtly push the victim into fawning, appeasement, and silence.
People raised in families with intergenerational trauma, abuse, or dysfunction may not recognise coercive control, as these behaviours can feel familiar and even normal, making it harder to identify red flags or break the cycle.
[00:49:16] The factors that increase the likelihood of disabled, neurodivergent, and / or previously traumatised folk being targeted for domestic and family abuse
Key takeaways:
Neurodivergent folk experience increased risk of domestic and family violence, and the reasons for this are multi-factorial.
Many neurodivergent individuals experience long-standing shame, masking, and disconnection from their own bodily cues or instincts, which can delay recognition of abuse and make it harder to name or report it, especially when the abuse is covert or emotional.
Perpetrators often target individuals who appear socially isolated, financially vulnerable, or lacking a strong support network. Rather than victims failing to spot red flags, research shows that predators actively seek out these vulnerability profiles.
Patterns like self-gaslighting, chronic appeasement, and trauma-related fawning responses can make neurodivergent survivors more susceptible to boundary violations and manipulation, reinforcing the cycle of abuse.
Risk is further amplified for those who belong to other marginalised groups—including disabled and queer folk, and women in rural or remote areas—due to added layers of social, geographic, or systemic isolation that can limit both support and exit options.
[00:59:04] Logistical and emotional barriers to leaving situations of domestic abuse
Key takeaways:
Logistical barriers to leaving an abusive relationship include lack of housing, financial instability, broken legal systems, risks to child custody, and threats to pets—all of which make staying feel safer or more manageable than leaving.
Emotional barriers are deeply intertwined with trauma: survivors often have diminished self-trust, depleted sense of problem-solving ability and self-efficacy, and intense fears of abandonment or being unlovable, which perpetrators deliberately reinforce.
Many neurodivergent or previously traumatised people lack a secure base or support system, and their internalised shame, survival-mode thinking, and learned helplessness make it difficult to identify abuse or feel capable of escape.
Leaving is often not a single event but a process of emotional detachment over time—survivors may leave and return many times before a final break, gradually building capacity, processing their experiences, and building enough safety to stay gone.
Grief is a major emotional barrier; survivors often mourn not just the person but the vision of what the relationship could have been, adding complexity to the decision to leave and making healing even more layered.
[01:12:29] Patricia’s approach to supporting people’s recovery from domestic and family violence
Key takeaways:
Patricia adapts her therapeutic approach based on where someone is in their journey—whether they're still in an abusive situation or years into recovery—focusing on safety, rapport, and emotional readiness.
She uses psychoeducation gently, introducing language around abuse only when a client is ready to hear it, ensuring they feel heard and not alienated or overwhelmed.
A central part of her work is helping clients reconnect with their body’s signals, especially gut instincts, and build interoception so they can better recognise red flags and trust their sense of safety.
Boundary work is introduced through frameworks like Ursula Benstead’s Shark Cage, which helps clients rebuild agency and affirm their rights to safety, respect, and physical autonomy.
Patricia also uses EMDR therapy to help clients process trauma and create space for clarity, healing, and forward movement.
[01:16:29] The shark cage exercise for building boundaries
Key takeaways:
The Shark Cage framework is a therapeutic tool used to help people identify and reinforce their personal rights—such as the right to safety, personal space, and to say no—by visualising these rights as bars that form a protective cage, keeping “sharks” (harmful people) out and allowing “fishes” (safe people) in.
Clients build their cage by identifying which rights resonate most with them; these ‘rights’ become that person’s boundaires. People with solid boundaries that stem from deeply felt rights are more protected from people who have ill intent, especially from individuals who test limits early in relationships.
The Shark Cage also helps normalise the idea that some people may have grown up without strong models for boundaries—it's not their fault they didn’t have a cage, but building one as an adult is possible and empowering.
It’s common for people to over-fortify their cage after trauma, keeping everyone out; part of the healing journey may involve learning to let safe people in while continuing to keep harmful people out.
Psychological abuse, especially coercive control and verbal abuse, can be the most difficult form of trauma to recover from due to its insidious erosion of self-worth and agency; recovery requires time, patience, self-compassion, and a therapeutic space free from pressure or judgement.
[01:25:46] Tips and resources for anyone experiencing domestic or family violence
Key takeaways:
Available resources vary by state, but nationwide in Australia, 1800RESPECT is a key crisis support service. In Victoria, support can be found through agencies such as Safe Steps, the Orange Door, and Doncare.
The Australian government has expanded online information about coercive control, and many therapists, including Patricia via @gallagherpsychology on Instagram, are sharing psychoeducation on social media to help normalise and inform.
If you're in a contemplation phase, you're not required to take immediate action. Gathering information, such as speaking confidentially with a financial counsellor or accessing free legal aid, can be a powerful and preparatory step.
Legal and financial support services are available in most states and can help you understand your rights, financial standing, and custody implications before making a decision to leave.
Collaborative care between therapists, case managers, and support workers—when done with the survivor’s consent—can prevent feelings of isolation and make the recovery process more integrated and empowering.
Connect with Patricia Gallagher:
Connect with Patricia through her Instagram @gallagherpsychology or @patriciagallagher, Facebook page, Gallagher Psychology, and her website, gallagherpsychology.com.au
Things We Mentioned:
Extra resources:
Australia wide
1800RESPECT (Ph. 1800 737 732) - National sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. Offers phone and online chat support 24/7.
Relationships Australia (Ph. 1300 364 277) - Counselling and support for individuals and families experiencing relationship breakdown or violence.
Women's Legal Services - Provide free legal advice and assistance on domestic and family violence, family law, and child protection.
QLife (Ph. 1800 184 527 - 3pm–midnight daily) - LGBTQIA+ peer support and referral.
Ask Izzy - Search tool for nearby shelters, food, legal help, and more.
Some state-based services
Safe Steps (Victoria) (Ph. 1800 015 188) - 24/7 family violence response line for women and children in Victoria.
InTouch Multicultural Centre Against Family Violence (Victoria) (Ph. (03) 9413 6500 / 1800 755 988) - Culturally sensitive family violence support for migrant and refugee women in Victoria.
DVConnect (Queensland) (Women's line: 1800 811 811; Men’s line: 1800 600 636) - Crisis counselling and referrals for people experiencing domestic and family violence.
Immigrant Women's Support Service (Queensland) (Ph. (07) 3846 3490) - Support for migrant and refugee women experiencing domestic and sexual violence.
Domestic Violence Crisis Service (ACT) (Ph. (02) 6280 0900) - Services for people affected by domestic violence in the ACT.
Aboriginal Family Domestic Violence Hotline (NSW) (Ph. only: 1800 019 123) - A dedicated line for Aboriginal victims of crime who need counselling, information, and referrals.
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